| Once I Start I Cannot Help Myself |
[May. 22nd, 2008|03:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  i dont know | ] |
So yea, since I was up Wednesday I decided to go to the park. I realized this is pointless since I’m really tired after the first mile a majority of the time, and I only walk the other one or two miles just for the sake of not going all that way for one mile.
Then since I was out I thought I’d check in on Ritz about that job. To recap I applied in March, and had to fill out 2 applications, and checked back every couple of weeks. However, as usual, my efforts were in vain since the cunt of a DM already had her favorites picked out and when she came on last Friday she hired them on the spot. So since I will officially never work there again nor use them as my print shop – I won’t be able to work ever again since that was the only job I could do at this stage in my life.
You can only imagine how hurt and angry I was when I walked out the door. If I wasn’t one of those people that pushes everything down deep to save for when I can’t hold it anymore and I just hurt myself (since it is of course all my fault) I may have slapped the kid across his loser looking face. Or knocked over some merch. Or something else destructive besides just driving home like a maniac 15 miles over the speed limit and running red lights.
At this point I’ve been awake for 18 hours. I’d go to sleep but now I’m too enraged. I’d need some medication to sooth this storm. And what is the point anyways? Why do I even bother trying? My efforts are futile and apparently I’m just not good enough for anything. I’m not good enough for them, I’m not good enough to be a model, I’m not good enough to be a girlfriend, or a friend to most for that matter.
What the fuck is so wrong with me that you all hate me so much and continue to beat me down? Just fucking tell me! If I don’t know what it is then I can’t fix it, and obviously I’m not figuring it out on my own. You all bitch that I’m so depressive and down all the time – THEN GIVE ME A REASON NOT TO!!! If you’re not part of the solution then you’re part of the problem. And if you are part of the problem then you need to get out of my life cause you’re not helping and I don’t need anymore more hindrance – I do that fine on my own.
And of course this set back is really going to set me back since that’s how I roll. I was all steam ahead with the modeling stuff and now I don’t even feel like it. I know they won’t want me just like I knew Ritz wouldn’t, just like I know no one else will. And just like I know in a couple months when that social security is suppose to be kicking in they are going to say something is wrong and I’m not eligible for some retarted reason and then I’m just gonna start killing people cause I can’t take the bull shit anymore.
I need to take the pills and lay down or I’ll start freaking out and then we’ll be in trouble.
am i still tough enough?
feels like i’m wearing down
is my viciousness
losing ground?
am i taking too much?
did i cross a line?
i need my role in this
very clearly defined
i need your discipline
i need your help
i need your discipline
you know once i start i cannot help myself
and now it's starting up
feels like i'm losing touch
nothing matters to me
nothing matters as much
i see you left a mark
up and down my skin
i don't know where i end
and where you begin
i need your discipline
i need your help
i need your discipline
you know once i start i cannot help myself
once i start i cannot stop myself
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When I woke up 12 hours later I didn’t feel much better. Partial cause pills give me a nasty headache like a hangover and cause I was sooooo hungry. In the process of making food, I don’t know if it was the pills in my system or what, but I had this urge that the counter was crowded and dirty and gross, yet I never think twice about the counter being dirty. So instead of making food I decided to pull out the cleaner and wipe down the counter.
That in turn led to reorganizing what stays on the counter and discarding or moving things that shouldn’t be on the counter. Then I ended up reorganizing the hall closet since something from the counter was suppose to be in there, and then I reorganized the stored food in the basement, and then for some reason scrubbed the grim off the top and front of the refrigerator, and then under the sink.
THEN I made some food like an hour or so later. I made a burrito. It was wholesome and satisfying. Then I continued some more cleaning working the kitchen, changing the trash bag and the paper trash. By then people were waking up and I’d realized I just cleaned most of the kitchen in like 4 or 5 hours. I actually didn’t finish only because when my dad came downstairs he said he wanted to do something and I couldn’t put something away first.
Later me and my dad went on a hunt to find a car seat for my mom’s van. That beast is 11 years old now and I believe it was its actual birthday earlier this month the mechanism that leans the seat back shattered. Turns out it was only plastic and even though she doesn’t fuss with her seat much I guess it just went anyways. We did get a new seat and replaced the old one, but this one just seems skeevey to me. But it’s up to my mom if she wants a fancy seat cover or not.
I have 2 pictures for you. One is of a guy’s truck we were behind while going to get the seat. He pulled out of a gas station and left his gas door open and the piece you screw in just hanging there.
Also – MY NEW DRESDEN DOLLS CD CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY!!! Cause I’m cool and I pre-ordered it. And guess what a GREAT surprise I got since I pre-ordered it from a certain site?
SIGNED!!! This is one of the cds from that day they “worked” at Newbury Comics, and apparently while Brian was ringing folks out, Amanda was doodling on cd cover. They are like the most fun band I think I know. And they seem so down to earth like if you walked up to them on the street they’d chat you up like an old friend. I love people that are just real.
And since this is getting long I’ll close up with a bit from Eva’s blog. I’m not linking it since I don’t know her preference on strange people reading her stuff but I’ll post my reply since I really don’t care what you read – my life is an open book.
. . . and that feels like something I would write cause I feel lost and hopeless and stuck in park while the rest of the world drives on by.
I get what you're saying all too well, except I feel this indescribable out of body type feeling at least once a week. It's like when you're "on pills" and you feel cloudy and spacey and you don't know what’s going on and you feel so weak like you can't move, but of course you can you just don’t feel like you can, and everything looks like it's in slow motion, but it's not - just you are and everything else is strolling along like you don't even exist.
I've pretty much accepted that I'm going no where, I just wish I could make my heart believe what my head has already acknowledged to be true after the multitude of failures it has seen on my behalf.
Not that it really helps much, but you're not alone! So ha! Though, that doesn't make the problem go away.
We'll talk more or later - or not - whichever works. |
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