| What am I doing? |
[Feb. 8th, 2010|04:15 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
So I know I haven’t written anything in a while. Things have just been happening in such a way I feel as though I’m walking through a dream. I feel like I’m out in the dark in a seat watching my life on the big screen, unable to comment or control anything.
I thought things were looking up. I thought this was going to be my year. I had such a great beginning. I had Kevin. I had my last 2 classes that I needed to get my degree. Slowly but surely I got a job. I reconnected with old friends, and made a couple new friends along the way. It was such a wonderful start.
It didn’t even take a month for it all to fall apart. Over something so stupid, I lost it all. Kevin dumped me. I got upset and cut for the first time in 2 years. I can’t even sleep in my own bed anymore. I’ve more or less been living at Erica’s, or ping pong-ing from guy to guy, whoever offers a warm bed and cuddling. I can’t concentrate anymore and I am now failing both my classes. I’ve missed so many days of school already it should be illegal.
Then it frickin snowed. That wasn’t a good day either. I swerved a lot and hit stuff. I was snowed in where I didn’t want to be, and slipped on my ass a million times on ice trying to run from everything, only to have it catch up with me again anyhow. I’ve made decisions I’m not proud of. I just make bad decisions. I feel like crap all the time. I can’t feel a thing and I need you here. |
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| Take a Month |
[Jan. 31st, 2010|03:30 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | sad | ] |
SO much has been happening. I was happen, and then I wasn't. I spent 2 weeks at Erica's cause I can't sleep in my own bed alone. I'm in love with a 3 y/o. I had sex - I'm not sure what I think about that. I went to Nocturne twice and has a BLAST until I thought of you and cried my eyes out in the bathroom and smeared makeup all over my face. I might get a tattoo soon. I tried to cut out my heart. My mind is racing and I'm trying to run awaya nd keep busy so I don't have time to think - but it's still catching up to me.
Just let me in your arms to feel our beating heart, baby.
Pretty Plate
I like to count change
Pumpkin
Pumpkin
Pumpkin
I may be old, But I never want to grow up!
Perch
Going Oldschool
TACOS!
I poop Cupcakes
Show Me Your Teeth!
This is for you
CHAINSAW!
THRILLER!
MINI CUPS!
PENIS
JAWS
Panera
My Joshy Baby
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| HAPPY NEW YEAR! |
[Jan. 1st, 2010|02:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
New Year's Resolution #1 = No Shit. Every year I say I’m not going to take shit from anyone, and every year I lose more friends. However, I was able to make new friends, and my stress level has dropped incredibly. I feel sooooo much better and happier. 2010 is going to be MY year!
New Year's Resolution #2 = Relationships. I haven’t been in a real relationship in like 2 and a half years. It hasn’t really bothered me. However lately I have been feeling the sting of loneliness. It seems my prayers have been answered though – I’ve found myself in a new relationship that seems to be going very well. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out more then 2 weeks.
New Year's Resolution #3 = Friends. I am currently reconnecting with old friends, and making new ones. Since I’ve been feeling so much better lately, I’ve just been reaching out for the people closest to me so I could pull them closer. This year I plan to do a lot more of that.
New Year's Resolution #4 = Work. 2009 screwed me over work wise. I was doing so well, and then BAM I’m unemployed again. Despite great effort on my part, I end the year broke and feeling like I’m back in high school. Come 2010 – I’m going to hit the job market hard! And I expect results!
New Year's Resolution #5 = School. I only have 2 more classes!!! Then I have my Associates!!! Finally!!!
New Year's Resolution #6 = Get Healthy. I have lost some of the extra poundage I gained a couple years ago. I have used my Wii Fit, though not as often as I’d like. My visits to the Chiropractor are working out very well – I feel like a new woman! This year I will be busting a move to slim down back to my normal size. Wish me luck!!! |
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| Happy Holidays! |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|09:00 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | happy | ] |
Well Christmas is almost here. I still can’t get up at a decent time, leaving me awake and bored all night long. I’m still job-less, companion-less, and I’m just hoping next year brings better things.
Recently I had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of an enchanting little 3 year old named Josh. He is the son of my friend Erica, and I think I’m in love. I haven’t been around many kids in my life, and my biological clock went off, but I seemed to fall right into place with Josh. I cradled him and carried him around and he hugged me a lot – and I had loads of fun. We went to Rose Tree Park to look at lights, and he came to my house and he loves my dad.
As the weeks passed, Josh and I became pals!!! Erica and I are going to get married and raise him together! Just joking . . . .
E-ROCK!
This is my new boyfriend!
I don’t really have too much else to say, ever. I’m bored a lot. I take lots of pictures. Enjoy!
POKE!!!
Act da FOOL!
Lego my Star Trek!
Erica’s – I want it!
A USB back massager . . . all we need now are USB dildos – HAHAHAHAHA
These are new
That looks like a scary face to me
JAZZ HANDS
WOW Chik-fil-a is so orderly
This makes me hungry
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| My Life In Pictures |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|10:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
So I haven’t been doing anything but sitting on the couch, laptop in toe, watching TV while playing computer games. I stay up late, sleep in late, oversleep through doctors appointments, eat nothing but junk. I’m really hating life right about now, and I insane isn’t even the word I’d use to describe what’s going on in my head.
I think I’ll take this time to rant a little. I want to thank everyone who tried to help me in my job situation. Thank for your suggestions, and it sucks it didn’t work out for me. However, some of your suggestions hit me in a bad way. Mainly, it was my psychiatrist that suggested something that made me want to spit in her face, so just to be clear I AM NOT STUPID! I know what kind of work is out there, I know some places offer tuition aid, I got it. But what you don’t get is that I’m crazy – certifiable. I can’t just get up in the morning and do anything. I need accommodations.
I hate saying it, because I hate to use it as a crutch and I’m pretty sure everyone just thinks I’m making excuses anyhow, but in my experience when I try and fight it I end up worse off then when I own up to the crazy. I have an anxiety disorder, I’ve got a lot of OCD traits, this all causes me to not eat right or sleep right and I need a very structured schedule with little variation. Trust me, in this world achieving such a schedule is like trying to escape from hell. Will someone throw me a bone!
Like I said, I’m not stupid, chances are the suggestion you gave me is something I already thought of and dismissed because it didn’t meet my needs. I can only be so gracious for so long, and when everyone is telling me the same stuff it starts to wear thin on me. I’m really working on getting normal, but it’s going to be a long and slow process. I hope the meds help.
Needless to say I haven’t been sleeping well. It is now Sunday morning. The sun is shining, I can see it through the window. Yesterday I got professional hair extensions installed. I look so hot – I’d fuck me. I didn’t sleep last night. My stomach hurt for a while so I was laying down, I just couldn’t shut off my mind and sleep. My day is going to suck, I feel like crap already and its only 7:30am.
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So today is December 7, 2009, it has been like a month since I wrote anything. The reason is there is nothing to write about. However, over the past month I have accumulated some small things to mush together to create some form of something interesting to talk about.
I see faces in almost everything
I see more faces – happy faces!
There was some really windy winds and they blew the tree down
It fell RIGHT between the 2 houses
Last time that same tree dropped a branch due to high winds – it fell on my mom’s van
More License Plates!
Yes, I take pictures of road kill
This is the best ash tray I have ever seen
Just because you are handicapped and probably old doesn’t mean you can park like an asshole
Now that’s what I’m talking about
Evil Demonic Ponies!
It’s good for you
OH KAROL!!!
Snack-a-licious
Not only for humans!
Mirrors to avoid shoplifting – 2 points for Target
Awwwwwwwww
Gotta love a bathroom splattered with flying penises
Bumper Mania!
Check out my whip!
This is what Friends look like
Don’t forget to check out my Flickr!
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| TV all day |
[Nov. 9th, 2009|10:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | bored | ] |
Friday I had Therapy. It wasn’t as bad as I expected. Afterwards I went to Dave’s to decorate for Halloween! It was hot and sexy and he had 4 bowls of candy! Finally, after a couple hours of decorating, admiring our handy work, and banging on the drums, I went home and got some sleep. Saturday I got up and ran some errands. When it was time I got all dressed up in my witch costume and new wig and boots – and then Dave told me he had to work late and Halloween was off. I was devastated. All dressed up and no where to go. So I decided to go to a movie. And then I invited my brother, but he didn’t want to see “Where The Wild Things Are”, so I had to kill another hour until it was time to leave for the theater. We saw “The Vampire’s Assistant.”
I got changed into pjs and removed my make up. I finally fell asleep. Sunday I ran a couple more errands and returned to veg on the couch. That’s pretty much all I do now – set up shop on the couch with my laptop on my lap and the TV on. Monday I had class. I didn’t get out of bed until 3pm. I felt like crap all night. I wanted to sleep, but by 3am I knew I was in it for the long haul. It was after 4am when I laid me down to sleep. I’m not sure when I fell asleep, but at about 6am the sun kicked me in the face and I woke up clear as day, as if I had a full night’s sleep. I was so not ready to get up, so I threw the covers over my head and squeezed my eyes shut.
A couple hours later I must have finally dozed off, and it was noon when my alarm rang. I hit snooze and rolled over. Then the clock said it was after 1pm, and then it was after 2pm. It was 3pm again before I left my room at all. My life now has no purpose. I got dressed and headed for Burger King. I had class tonight, and nothing at home seemed appetizing. I just wanted food and I didn’t feel like making it. Alas, Whopper Jr. to the rescue. Soon DCCC was in view. I didn’t park as close as I was last night, but still close. I sat myself down in the lounge, and began work on my laptop.
Class was like a daze. Before I knew it, it was done. I coasted home and it was back in front of the TV. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were also spent this way, except for the slight break on Friday when I went to Therapy. Once there I balled my eyes out about how much I’m hating my life now. I want to do something about it, but it all seems out of my control. I just feel so stuck in molasses and caught in the riptide. I’m slowly watching my life deteriorate and decay and I can’t fight it.
My weekend was spent dying my hair. I more or less destroyed it by now. It was super faded and then it came out super dark, so I tried to lighten it again which made it feel dry, and then dyed it again – just to have it come out dark again. I had Nicole – my pro hair friend – work on it, and it’s just getting dryer and dryer and staying dark, except for a few spots that have decided to give up. Why all the insane work on my hair, you ask? Well, it all brings me to my next topic – the bad, bad thing I did and I’m still not exactly sure how it happened.
I’m sure everyone knows by now that I’m broke. I’m poor, I’m still not working, and I’m still in a place where I’m fighting and losing to Staples, but I’m not ready to give up and move on as I’ve had to do sooooooooooo many times before. But this is not the problem, the problem is that my LOVE for long hair, my impatience and mass anticipation, opportunity and OCD have all collided together to bite me on the ass – and further put me into debt. YES, I did pay for professional hair extensions. YES, it was a RETARTED idea since I’m broke, and it was NOT my intention to get it all done NOW – but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t fuck up around very corner. Soooooo I spent over $1,000 on the hair and the service, it’s non-refundable, and the only good part is that I’ll look hella hot when it’s all done. I’m not sure of that’s a consolation or not.
The maintenance is going to be the kicker. Every 2 months I have to head back in to get the bonds moved up as my hair grows out. That’s another $50. They recommend purchasing a second set of hair (which is another $800 or so) so that instead of having the bonds moved up, the hair is just replaced and the hair that has been on your head gets sent back to the company to be re-conditioned and re-bonded. That’s another $50 to send it back, on top of another $300-600 to sit there for 3-4 hours to get the hair put in. When you really stop and think about it – IT IS INSANE! WHAT WAS I THINKING! IS MY NARCISSISM AND LONGING FOR LONG REALLY THAT OUT OF CONTROL!!!
I’m experiencing another issue. Not working has ruined my sleep schedule – fo sho. Every night I can’t fall asleep till after 4am, and then I don’t wake up again till 2 or 3pm. Sleeping all day and staying up bored all night with no one to talk to and nothing on TV to watch – add in the lack of sunlight – makes Sam feel sooooooo crappy she attracts flies. So the other day I thought it would be a great idea to stay up at least 24 hours or longer. I actually was about to do it. At the end I was really pushing to keep my eyes open. Then I just couldn’t force it anymore. I ended up sleeping another 19 hours! That was broken up by me waking up for a few moments every 3-4 hours, but I stuck it out. I woke up around 10ish in the am on Sunday morning. After another boring day, I started to get sluggish around midnight, and it wasn’t long before I laid my pretty head down to sleep.
Monday once more. I woke up around 11am, though I was comfortable enough to sleep in later. I went to the chiropractor, the bank, Staples, court to make a payment, saw Nicole at her work so she could check out my hair, had some Burger King and then ventured to school. I plopped down in the lounge a complete 3 hours before my class even starts, at 6:30pm. I got out the laptop and set to work on this entry, checked my mail, worked on some images, and somehow killed all that time. Today I feel better, it must be the sun, or it was that adorable little boy at Burger King that kept waving at me from a few booths away.
PICTURES!
This a USB Flash Drive that looks like a Lego Man. So Hot.
For those with unruly pets
And now something better for your doggies!
Taylor Hospital Breast Cancer Awareness Lights
Plymouth Meeting Mall Breast Cancer Awareness Stuffs
This is the Party Califlower
It’s not a dick in a box – it’s a Garage in a Box!
They Like Learning
No you’re not
This one said “Excuse Me” but he drove off too fast for me to get a clear shot.
Keep It Clean
I want this wig
My mom lost so much weight this year, her watchband that was previously stretched from being fat is now way loose.
This a guy my mom works with in Herbalife. This is what he looked like before the products and after.
For more info!
Here’s an interesting stat for your brain. There are barely more then 500 pictures in my photobucket, but there are over 1,000 pictures in my Vacation entry. So basically, I took more pictures in one week of vacationing then I have in like 6 years of randomness. |
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| The Deception |
[Oct. 29th, 2009|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
Tuesday. Back to reality. I got up around noon. I had oatmeal and tea. I went through my mail and paid bills. I finished unpacking and started my laundry. I went to school and was bored to tears by the mundane. Again I have a friend that would rather continue to debate something lame then just suck it up and get on with life. I miss my job. I miss working. I feel so worn and useless.
I went to the Staples in Springfield. The copy center manager is on vacation. That's another week I'll be without work. Another week without a paycheck. I guess some time will do me good, but thats what I went on vacation for. I bombed my NET quiz. I knew it. Why is nothing in life exciting anymore? Or at least, why is nothing outside of a theme park exciting? The air is getting colder. I feel it in my bones.
So class was lame. As usual I didn't pay attention. He was trying to set up a VPN in class. I know what a VPN is, I just don't care. Either way, his equipment sucked and wouldn't work - so we wasted an hour. I played games online, I surfed facebook. I check my e-mail and updated my calendar. Finally around 9pm he let us go. The walk to the car was cold. The drive home was slow and quiet.
I changed into my pajamas and snugged up on the couch under my throw blanket and watched the shows I taped while away. I stayed up a little past midnight. When I went to bed I laid on my back and closed my eyes and dreamed. I dreamed I was still in Florida, but the theme park was set up different. Then I dreamed I was with Eva at her house, but they were moving to Arizona so things were in boxes and her house had no bathroom - but this tree house in the backyard had a bathroom. I dreamed something else, but I forget now. I think I dreamed of Chris, it was weird. I don't even remember, I just know it makes me feel weird.
My alarm went off at 10am this Wednesday morning. I snoozed it and rolled over. I want to keep getting up at a decent time, but without a job I'm bound to slip back into sleeping all day. Instead I got up and went to the Chiropractor. I needed it bad. Then I went to see the psychiatrist. It was short and meaningless. Once I was home I sat down in front of the TV with my laptop and did some web work. Thursday was the same ordeal. TV and laptop.
Friday I didn’t even get up until 1pm. I lounged around while having breakfast. I opted out of a shower before therapy. Then some heavy shit went down at the therapist office. I don’t think I want to talk about it. Then my whole weekend went by in a blur. It rained and I sat at home, laptop in the lap, hoping someone would be online to take me out of my boredom.
Monday I wanted to get up and get something done, but instead the clock read 3:30pm when my eyes opened. It was another lazy day. Nothing but TV and computers. I thought I’d stay up all night seeing as how I slept in so late, but by 1am I was ready to lay down. Unfortunately my body decided it was the perfect time to have a migraine. It took me another 2 or 3 hours to make the pain stop. I woke up with the sun, but my body was not ready to move. Before I knew it, it was 1pm.
This week I had no classes this week due to in service. Needless to say I did a lot of sleeping in and staying up late. Tuesday just floated by. Wednesday I went to the chiropractor and the gynecologist. Everything is over, just check ups. Thursday I went to the Staples in Springfield and finally caught the copy center manager. He called Ridley to check out why I was let go and Nancy apparently flat out told him I was fired for stealing money. I almost dropped an F-bomb. That bitch has got some nerve.
I spent the rest of my day going through Halloween decorations. I put spider webs, orange rope lights, and skeletons outside. I have a more stuff but I haven’t gotten through it all yet. I still don’t know what I’m doing for Halloween or what I’m going to wear. I think I’ll be up most of the night. Tomorrow I have Therapy. I suspect I’ll have another session like last week. I guess I’m just getting to that age. |
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| VACATION |
[Oct. 19th, 2009|06:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  cRaZy! | ] |
THIS LINK WILL TAKE YOU TO MY JOURNAL ENTRY THAT WAS TOOOOOO LONG TO POST HERE. I WILL ADMIT THAT THE POST IS 45 PAGES TYPED ALONG WITH IMG TAGS FOR ALMOST 1,000 PICTURES. AT LEAST CHECK OUT MY PICTURES IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT MY ADVENTURE.
CLICK ME |
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| I'm On Fire |
[Oct. 5th, 2009|07:18 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | dying | ] |
I'm going to give this weekend a 2 thumbs DOWN! I'm sure everyone remembers when I was talking about the reisters at Staples, and how they kept coming up short. Then it all came down to 2 registers that were always short, and they were always like $15 short. So they decided to put people on a register and ONLY that person could sign in and use that register. Well, Saturday I was on the ship center register - as usual - hating my life and avoiding the opportunity to ring people up at all cost. I just want to make the copies and print stuff and cut stuff and bind stuff, etc.
WELL Dina comes by and gets the money from my register, goes off and counts it, talks to the General Manager before she leaves for the day, and then tells me that before I leave for the day I need to see her. Ok. So after my shift I page her to let her know I'm ready, and she pages me to the front office. After another half an hour of waiting, she pops out of the money room and tells me that my drawer was short $15. Then she said that because it was short and no one else was on that register, that the General Manager said to just fire me. Period.
Soooooo it doesn't matter that I didn't take it, I don't get any chance to plead my case or defend myself, no innocent until proven guilty. I offered for her to search me - she refused. They have no physical proof or no eye witnesses - just the fact that the register was short. I'm not trying to make excuses or say my managers can't count, but there have been cases when the they counted the whole safe and it was short, and they don't give me the opportunity to give it another set of eyes. Basically, I'm out.
The entire weekend I spent in bed crying, feeling nauseous, having a headache, having every muscle in my body tense up to the point that I can barely move and I can't breathe. Everytime I closed my eyes I relived the moment. Then when I got up to try to get that thought from my mind, the feeling of vomit trying to work its way up my throat grew. I tortured myself every minute, going over how much I loved that job, all the extra hours I put in, and the scrubbing of machines I did, how I came in when someone called out, among a long list of things I put my heart and soul into for that store - just to be cast out.
Yes, I will be filing a complaint. I don't even think I want that job back, how can I possibly work for someone who would treat me so shamefully? And now that stigma is out there that I was labeled as a thief . . . I think Staples and I are thru. But that doesn't mean I can't complain. I do need a job, so I guess if they do offer one to me I will take it, but it will never be the same. It's that time of year where jobs can be plentiful, its the New Year that I'm particularily worried about. |
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| Crossword |
[Sep. 30th, 2009|12:30 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  recovering | ] |
It's Monday again. The past week was crazy. I worked almost every day last week. I reconnected with a couple old friends. My hair got gay again. I'm in class and I have no idea what my brain is doing. I'm so tired even though I slept in today until 1pm, and I slept in Sunday until 3:30pm. I feel all out of sorts. Hopefully, now that my work schedule is back down to 2-3 shifts a week, I'll have the time to decompensate and level out.
OMG! I just had the craziest dream! I was being chased by these bio-mechanical insect things and ven though I had the bio-mechanical insect foaming repellent and killing spray, they still weren't going down! They kept coming after me and I ran out of spray so I found a sledgehamer! But I'm all kinds of weak and could barely lift it and they ar armored so it didn't do me much good as I tried to beat the crap out of them and break them apart and they just kept coming and coming and I was in a corner and then . . . I woke up.
In 2 more weeks I go to Florida!!! I'm excited I guess, it'll be nice to get out of PA for a while. I haven't had a real vacation in years. I really have nothing to say really. I've just been doing a lot of working. Gerald isn't my manger anymore. I've done a lot of cleaning at work, scrubbing, straightening, and filling the machines with paper.
Tuesday I woke up after like 5 hours of sleep. I feel like crap. Work is crap. Registers are short again. I'm all isolated. It's inconvient. Copiers are jamming up. Peeps are leaving random paper in the copier and I end up printing on the wrong stuff. Crazy people are trying to ship out of the country - I hate those people. Registers are bad for your health. I think I might kill someone. USE THE ECL POOP FOR BRAINS.
My networking class wasn't much better. We went on a tour of the networking stuff here at DCCC and it just made me feel tired. Standing for an hour after standing all day made my knees and back hurt. The computer was no fun, there is nothing to do on it. BOOM. I felt like I could pass out at any moment. I didn't even get dinner before school so my tummy growled all night. Once I got home there was really no use making anything. I was too tired to cook, so I made popcorn!
Someone drew that
Good Ol' DCCC
UFO
HOLY CRAP
I would like someone to buy me this
Me and my followers
This is what happens when you forget an old bottle of shaving cream
Visit my Flickr for NEW pictures of ME!
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| “I didn’t mean to hurt . . . somebody else’s hurt . . . “ |
[Sep. 22nd, 2009|07:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
"So many celebrities, they never take the time off," he said. "I've never taken the time off to really — you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I'm just ashamed that my hurt caused someone else's hurt. My dream of what awards shows are supposed to be, 'cause, and I don't try to justify it because I was just in the wrong. That's period. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I'm going to make it through the rest of this life, how I'm going to improve."
That’s right, Kanye West – the dumbest Mo Fo in the history!
Tuesday I didn't wake up till noon. Last night I didn't even fall asleep until 6am. I laid in bed, tossing and turning. I felt really hot and then really cold through out the night. I kept thinking about school and work and food and tv shows - and I just couldn't shut off. I assume I got some sleep because I woke up felt rested. I finally got out of bed half an hour later, and had a Herbalife shake for breakfast. It was more disgusting then ever. I'm just getting tired of them, I need to find something else quick and easy to eat when I first get up.
After watching TV for a couple hours I went back to my room. Somehow I lost another hour and before I knew it I had to get dressed, roll out and head to school. I threw on clothes, I'm not very happy with what I ended up with, and I was out. The ride up to school wasn't too bad. Most of the vending machines won't take dollars - by the way. I spent another hour in the lounge trying to get into "school mode" and I decided to try and read my NET book. I'm not a big reader. I can read, but I'm much to visual for mere words. I need colors, pictures, motion, hands-on . . . just reading doesn't cause the information to sink in.
Before I knew it the clock struck 6pm. This was my cue to make my way to a bathroom, do my business, and then make sure my hair looked nice and what not. I got to my classroom 10 minutes later, but of course the teacher didn't show up until almost 6:30pm. I really hate when they don't show up a little early. I go out of my way to make sure I'm there on time and ready for class - and they can't even do the same. It didn't really matter since as soon as I'm in front of a computer his voice fades into the background and I'm in my own little world.
In my boredom, I took a moment to check out what classes I had taken, what I still need to take, and I discovered I only have 2 more classes to take when I thought it was 3 or something. I only have to take that friggin math class and 1 more programming class. I looked over what Object Oriented C++ and JAVA Programming entailed, and I think I'm going to go with JAVA. As a designer and not a programmer, I think JAVA will be more beneficial to me. Either class is going to be a pain, especially if I can't get my attention span in check. Though, at this point in my academic career, I'm not worried about having fantastic grades, or really learning anything, I just want to pass, get the credit, get my degree, and then get on with my life.
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Boy have I been busy. It's Monday already. I'm in class and I'm so worn out from working. I worked pretty much all week. Wednesday I had to go in and close because Cassie was sick. Thursday I worked my normal hours. Friday I came in because Maggie was sick, so I closed for her. Saturday I worked 11-6, but stayed a couple extra hours to help Gerald fix up the store. My mom brought me lunch and I turned her one to some of our products. Sunday I closed and vacuumed like crazy. The copy center looks pretty now.
And now it's Monday again, I can't sleep or get up on time. I had to go to the Chiropractor today because I overslept on Friday. I have class tonight and then work at 9am in the morning. My body hurts like crazy. I can't really think straight. I just remembered I won't have any coffee for tomorrow morning. SAP is the gayest gay that ever gayed. BUT it is like 90% definite that I'll be going to Florida. WOOT WOOT! I'm really just rambling because my brain isn't functioning properly. SAP truly is gay, it's lame, it makes my eyes hurt . . . and I want to go home and sleep. But no, I probably won't sleep since I only woke up at 1pm. I want to cry I'm so tired but I'm too worn out to produce tears.
Anyways, I was up all night. Tuesday I had work at 9am. I went to work looking retarted because I was so tired. Mare had to go on a conference call and she left me a note on what needed to be done - and it made no sense to me. The district manager was in so I tried to pretend I was on the ball, and then a million people came in and needed stuff so I was running around all crazy and doing shipping. I also had a coffee incident where the coffee I wanted wasn't what I got and instead i ended up with something stronger and less flavorfull and then I took off like a rocket of jitter-ness.
The day evened out after a while. My dad came to get me lunch. I made some people happy. I did a few big jobs. And then it was 4pm and it was time to leave for school. I am so worn. I can't say it enough. Now I'm in class and I feel like I might die. I'm so hungry all the sudden. I got called in for work tomorrow. I'm DEFINITELY going to Florida. I can't decide on a Halloween costume. My Zune died. I'm zoning out. Bye-bye. |
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| Enlarge and Reduce |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|11:50 pm] |
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| | Dazed | ] |
Sunday was worse. I got up so I could stop at my bank before work, and Franklin Mint doesn’t even open till noon – when other banks are already closing. Bullshit!. SO I was early to work, the time clock wouldn’t let me clock in – boo hoo. Then it was slow, and then busy, and then slow, and then busy – and then I called over to the registers for the next person in line to get rung up at the copy center, and occasionally someone would come over.
Then people stopped coming over. Sue then came over and wanted me to go over to the registers to ring. Well . . . No. I’m a copy center associate, I’m already standing in front of a register with all it’s working parts and I’m signed in and I’m suppose to be on that register and I’m responsible for that drawer. It’s not my fault or problem that you didn’t schedule enough cashiers.
Sure, if you want to send people over I’d be happy to ring them up and help you out – but unless it’s DIRE that I leave the comfortable confine of the copy center – I’m not going to do it. I’m also not about to walk into a situation where I will be responsible for the drawer of another register after the shit I got from the 2 registers in the copy center. Fuck That.
By this time I was already feeling the effects of not eating, the lack of sleep, and sheer pain-in-the-feet, and my brain was shutting down to conserve energy. In my primal state I was now getting very frustrated at Sue’s frustration – and I felt like breaking something. Then she comes over to “politely” ream me out for “under-minding her authority, second guessing her decision, and just flat out not wanted to go over there and ring.”
Well, I didn’t want to ring. I wasn’t particularly under-minding or second guessing, I was just not firing on all cylinders and at that point I really didn’t care anymore. My brain was done for the day and I still had 2 hours to go. I don’t necessarily think that Gerald made a bad choice making her a “manager” of sorts, however in the rush and excitement of being so busy, I think it went to her head.
And I’ve already had this conversation with Gerald about sending people over because we can’t leave. Sure, I may not be busy this second, but after she left 3 people showed up all wanting copies made and enlargements done and what not. How am I supposed to handle that if I’m not in the copy center? Furthermore, why do I have to ring and someone else gets to runt he copy center and do the fun stuff? If I wanted to be a cashier – I would have applied to be a cashier!
With that said, it’s in the past and it happened. I’m over it. If it comes up again, I’ll just repeat myself I guess. When the store closed and I helped put back returns, I did it in slow motion. I picked up anything paper shaped like folders and notebooks and sheet protectors, and I walked up and down the isles that had those items in them until I spotted something that looked familiar. Again, I was in a lower state of consciousness and I was just looking for labels and colors that matched the label on the item I was carrying. Nothing fancy.
AFTER WORK I was invited to Panera Bread with Ashley and Jackie, and another girl I didn’t know more was introduced to. I’m not really a fan of Panera, but that’s where we were going so I made it work. In my partially shut down state, I waited outside Staples for the plan – who was driving what and whatnot – just waiting for orders or directions. Ashley said she was driving, so I got in her car. Plain and simple. We picked up Jackie and met the other chick there and got food and it was nice to sit and chat.
I came home and chilled. I decompensated from my day with some TV. I watched the finale of True Blood. I made enlarged copies of my datebook to plan out days I can work and days I can’t. I made record in my checkbook and Staples time sheet. After a little computer stuffs I laid down. I drifted off to sleep. I opened my eyes and saw sunlight. The clock said 11am.
Monday I got up around noon. I had whatever was made for dinner last as my breakfast. Then I got hooked watching TV and forgot about all the things I had to do today. It was 1:30pm when I realized it was getting late. I headed back to my room to get my computer stuff out of the way and get dressed. By 3pm I set out into the world to fulfill my errands.
I went to the bank. I was unable to get there this weekend due to work, so I made sure I go there today. BAM. Done. I passed the high school and saw all the dumb kids smoking across the street. When I got to the Springfield Mall it seemed dead. Target has yet to opened, and I've heard that BOTH Targets will stay open. I stopped in at the post office to ship an item to an individual, and I got the hearing-impaired employee. It was very difficult relaying what I wanted, but in the end my package was shipped and I bet he felt good that he can be a functional member of society.
I headed out to the Brookhaven BK to find that it's parking lot was all ripped up, and I assume it was closed. SO instead I headed over to Aston. For some reason I ordered the same thing I always order (Whopper Jr. w/ cheese but no lettuce) but it was 20 cents cheaper today. Who am I to complain? I walked over to the Wawa when I was done eating, hoping to buy a soda and candy for class tonight, when I realized those items were actually cheaper at the college! I never thought I'd see the college vending machines price-beat a convenience store.
As usual, I got to DCCC almost 2 hours early. The earlier you get there, the closer you park. I need to park close in case my knee goes out on me, and also because when it's cold out my chest tightens up as I'm climbing the stairs to my car, and by the time I reach my car almost a mile later, I'm completely out of breath. I thought about looking into handicapped parking, like temporarily, but I keep forgetting to call my doctor about it until I'm actually walking back to my car from class. Back in 2006, I had day classes 3 days a week, and I truly got up earlier enough to get to school at 7am. I parked in the very first spot, and I took a nap in the lounge since classes don't even start for another hour, and I actually didn't have my first class until 9am.
SO I'm sitting in the lounge, I'm listening to my music, I', planning out stuffs in my calendar, and shortly after I become very, very bored. It's more or less 5:30 and technically my class isn't until 6:30, but everyone else's classes start at 6pm - so I do things as though my class starts at 6pm. My teacher didn't arrive to class until almost 6:30, so much for getting into class early to check my mail. It didn't matter, his words faded in the background of the keys on the keyboard clicking as I logged into my mail, myspace, facebook and web hosting . . . and other things. It was almost 7:30 before I realized I had in my own little world for so long. As I listened to him for a moment, it didn't seem as though he was really saying anything I needed to hear, just some history on Info Managing System. I have the power point slides on my thumb drive now, so I can review later when I'm not so distracted and tired.
At 8pm, we took a break. I stayed in my seat typing, it's not like I had anywhere to go or anything to do. I never did buy a soda or candy from the vending machine, and by the time I realized I only had my water bottle with me everyone was coming back and class was sure to resume momentarily. Next time I'll be more prepared. The remainder of class was a blur. I know I didn't pay any attention to my instructor, but I didn't do any personal work either. I just kind of dazed out - fo realz yo. |
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| Dreams Are The Engines That Drive Our Lives |
[Sep. 12th, 2009|11:50 pm] |
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| | cheerful | ] |
Friday came, and I had to get up early again. I had to haul myself out to Plymouth Meeting, and then I had to prepare myself for mental torture. Now that I have been properly diagnosed – again – it’s really sinking in what Sharon said to me. It has become very clear what my path is – Isolation. I’ve been working myself into a frenzy for a couple years now. At first I thought it was just a defense mechanism to “take a break” from a social life to repair from the trauma of 2007.
Now, 2 years later, I realize that I don’t think I have any intention of recovering and re-entering the social world. I have no desire to have friends, except I’m bored, and I have no desire for a boyfriend or anything, except that I’m lonely and I want someone to hold me. I’ve been doing fine on my own, but like I’ve said before, I can’t remember what it feels like to have someone touch me. And this new diagnosis is really opening my eyes to the possibility that I may never again feel things I used to.
I also used to think that my idea of “Oh, I’ll just not go to this certain place anymore to avoid bumping into someone I don’t want to see to avoid a fight or whatever” was just easy. I didn’t see it as going out of my way, and a few of those places I only went to with that person, so it didn’t hurt to avoid them. But now it falls under a new category of isolating oneself from a number of places, to which one day I may never leave my home because there will be no where to go. Inevitably, my goal to not suffer through seeing this person all the time has backfired into me never seeing anyone again.
So now, at Therapy, I need to discuss that with Linda in hopes that I can recover from this. I’m going to take my own box of tissues and I’m going to talk about what scares me the most and I’m going to cry my eyes out . . . and I might even bring up last Thursday – even though it never happened. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, and my “vacation from socializing” obviously wasn’t the solution.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO therapy wasn’t quite as bad as I thought it would be. We discussed my new diagnosis for a long while, and then tangent-ed off in a weird direction and I started explaining something that happened in high school, and I can’t even remember why. Next thing I knew time was up. I ventured back out into the rain so I could go home and relax.
I’m going to omit other events of the day, mainly because I don’t feel like reliving them. I’ll sum it up to “If anything could go wrong – it did.” Rain is the main ingredient to ruin any day that has any possible hope of turning out as it was planned to turn out. Rain brings out the crazy’s, the asshole, ruins visibility, and ends up costing you more then if you have never even gotten out of bed. Sure, you wake up with a bad feeling, but you can’t really just stay home and blow off your appointments – and then the rain gets you.
Saturday I woke up around 11am. I was involved with a half sleep all night. As a result of my Friday I was worn, stressed, achy, and felt sick to my stomach. I was laying in bed awake till at least 3am with a headache along with other achy parts. I’m surprised I heard my alarm and got up when I did. The sleep did me good, even though I still ached, I did feel a bit better mentally. I had eggs for breakfast, showered, took some Tylenol, and by 2pm I felt much better. I had work at 3pm, so feeling better now was very important.
Work wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t real busy, I got some cleaning done. I went through all the cash cards and found the ones that still had money on them and gave them to Gerald to do with what he wanted. When it was closing time, the store had been dead for a couple hours so everyone else was don’t doing there stuff so they helped me close by taking my trash and filling the copy machines. |
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| Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are in My Neck |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|10:30 pm] |
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| | worn-out | ] |
Saturday I didn’t have work until 5pm. I’m going to have to talk to someone about that. Before work, my mother and I did some running around to grab a few things we needed. When I got to work I was alone, all by myself, for the night. Not a huge deal, I did a couple of binding jobs and a couple copy jobs. I did more cleaning and then closed down everything for the night.
Sunday I woke up at noon, ate, and then got ready for work. I was closing again. I did a lot of laminating. The day wound down, and I clean up and closed up. I helped Devon put back returns and straighten. We were there another hour and a half cleaning up form the rude people that ripped everything to shreds. By the time I got home my feet were throbbing in pain. I need to figure out something else to do for footwear, or I’ll never last.
Monday, Labor Day, my Brother’s Birthday . . . I didn’t want to get out of bed. We ate at Outback. I got a Malibu Bay Breeze. They didn't have any Signature Cocktails listed that sounded tempting. Over the next hour I consumed half a loaf of pumpernickel bread, 1/3 of the Bushmen's Mushrooms, most of my garden salad, and almost all of my 6oz steak - medium rare and covered in A1 sauce - and possibly half of my mashed potatoes. My stomach hurt so bad when I got home. On top of everything, my dad and I ordered Cheesecake to take home, which I ate shortly after we got home because it was calling to me.
Tuesday I had to get up early. I had a thing. I got there very early. I got there early for nothing. In the end it all worked out. Then I went home. It wasn't even noon yet. My dad was up and was just playing solitaire on his laptop, and I convinced him to get up and go to Acme. We had lunch at Applebee's first. It wasn't very appetizing. Afterwards I just felt drained and weak. Walking around the Acme to shop for food just made me feel twice as tired. I usually like bagging my own items, but I couldn't muster the strength, so my dad bagged and I stood around looking like a bum.
I felt so tired, as if I didn't get enough sleep, or maybe my medication was making me tired, or maybe I just got up too early. I still have school later, and I'm sure I'm going to fall asleep at my computer. Once I got to school I bought a Dr. Pepper from the vending machine. I hoped it would caffeinate me, but I don't think it did. I was worried that it would kick in when I got home and had to go to sleep. I can assure you that I have no idea what my teacher was saying. I really have no interest in networking, I have no attention span, and my computer has no photo editing software on it - so I'm just between a rock and a hard place.
The drive home was slow. I didn't feel like driving. I got home and changed into pajamas. I got something to eat because I was hungry. I was starving, actually. I watched a bit of TV before trying to fall asleep. I wanted to get up at a decent time on Wednesday, and I know I have to get up early for work on Thursday. As I lay there in the dark with my eyes closed, I thought about my day, and I thought about my tomorrow. I ran over my to-do list in my mind, and stressed a bit that I haven't gotten a few of these things done already. I thought more about my life, how it hasn't even begun (I hoped) yet it already feels over. As I drifted off to sleep, I hoped.
Wednesday I didn't get up when I wanted to. My spine ached when I moved, so I spent another 2 hours in bed. After I finally got up I proceeded to nourish myself. I watched the shows I had taped the night before while I ate. I didn't really have any desire to do anything, but I had some phone calls to make and some websites to work on. I didn’t make all the phone calls, and I only finished half of my work . . . I just felt so sloth-like. I really need a good nights sleep.
I ended up doing a lot of online stuff though. Website stuff, Craigslist stuff, run of the mill wasting my day on the internet stuffs. I felt like crap all day until about 8 or 9pm. Then my second wind or something kicked in and I was wide awake. One am came and passed and I was still going. This is bad since I have to get up at a decent time tomorrow for work. I laid in bed for what felt like hours and hours – and then the sun was up.
Thursday I felt like crap again. I was tired, and I worked a long day. I also had some quick decisions to make about my schedule, and I kind of stressed over Friday. Basically, my mother has informed me that if her business picks up and she does well this month – she will pay for me to go on vacation with the family in October, and the bills that will be due in that pay period she will have to pay since I won’t have the money if I take off of work. BUT I’ll be missing 2 nights of school as well at 4-5 days of work. And Friday – I had therapy, and I have a lot to talk about and shit will get heavy and I might not come out alive.
Work was . . . long, busy, tiring. So many people, coming at me from all sides, wanting so many things. Worst of all, Gerald kept trying to take us away to go ring up customers at the registers – we have our own crap to worry about! I was scheduled till 7pm, I wanted to leave at 6pm . . . I didn’t clock out till after 8pm. I spent a good portion of my day alone because Cass was over ringing people up. I almost lost my mind. Then I left. I spent the rest of the night after eating some dinner parked on the couch with my feet up. My feet hurt so bad, I just can’t stand for a whole day, it’s too painful. |
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| Auburn |
[Sep. 4th, 2009|10:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
Wednesday I woke up around 11am, but stayed in bed till noon – cuz I can. I got up and had more ice cream cake for brunch. I hate being home because I never want to cook anything so I just eat what I grab and it’s usually crackers or ice cream that’s grab-able. I watched a little TV to pass the time. Then I put actual clothes on and went to therapy. I could feel myself talking at a higher volume then usual, I started to feel like everyone outside in the waiting room could hear me, even if they really couldn’t. I told her about work and school and how I’ve been feeling.
I don’t think I get any help from “talk therapy.” I never understood how having yet another person to tell your problems to was supposed to make them go away. Linda, at least does contribute a bit, ask me questions about how I feel about things, and its better then other therapists I’ve had. But at the same time it almost seems pointless. It’s not like telling her how a couple years ago I went through the most traumatic thing in my life and then went on a spending binge while also working myself up into a frenzy at the job I was at and it made me have an anxiety attack that put me in the ER thus causing my credit cards to be charged to the max and now leaving me with no job to pay them off is ruining my life – its not like she can snap her fingers and make it better.
But still, every week, we have our 45 minute chat session. This week though I also went to see the psychiatrist. She asked me how I was doing and even though I had just purged everything out at Linda, I broke into tears again and exclaimed how stressed I was and how I was starting to get the chest pains again. She looked at me sort of frightened because she realized that I wasn’t Bi-Polar after all. B-Polar is more or less mood swings for now reason. My mood swings are more environmental. I don’t just freak out for no reason, something set me off. Every doctor I see has a new opinion of my condition. Everyone seems to get closer to the truth.
I’ve mentioned before to doctors that I think I’m OCD and paranoid. Sharon has narrowed it all down to a level of anxiety that I have reached. I don’t feel depressed so much anymore and I don’t think about or try to hurt or kill myself anymore, so depression has been ruled out as a diagnosis. Because I don’t have violent mood swings that move from one extreme to the next for no reason, Sharon is now ruling out Bi-Polar. She spoke about OCD not just being weird compulsions like turning a knob 3 times before opening the door or washing your hands a million times or you think a child in Africa will die.
She explained I have the compulsion for control. Apparently I feel out of control, and my way to being in control is to control the anxiety. To control the anxiety I write out a to do list for very day and stick to it, or I’ll feel anxious. I avoid highways and just use back roads because the high volume of cars makes me feel anxious. She explained that these limitations, which are minor, lead to limitations like places I can go o and times that I can go there. These limitations are the beginning of that phobia where you can’t leave your house and you have to stay inside. I don’t think I’ll ever be that bad, but I’m showing the warning signs. She’s now concerned a lot about my anxiety and says in therapy I should be talking with Linda ways to re-route my thinking to not limit myself but instead learn to cope with the kinks that may end up in my path. I left her office feeling saved. Finally someone gets it and understands and was able to explain to me why I do these things.
I spent the rest of the night watching TV. I feel so drained. And then I couldn’t sleep. Two in the morning rolled by and I lay awake. I had that familiar feeling that there was something I had to do, but I didn’t know what it was. I went over my to-do list, and though there were quite a few things left on it that were unfinished, there was nothing I could do at 2am.
Thursday didn’t happen. It has been stricken from the record, and the jury is to disregard what they have heard.
Friday began my new dismal life. It becomes clearer and clearer to me with every passing day that either I am slipping away, or my sense of reality is. Or perhaps it’s people’s compassion that’s dissipating. Either way, I don’t want to care anymore. You don’t like me - Ok. You don’t want to be friends and talk with me and share your life with me . . . Ok. I’m never going to be good enough for you. I’m never going to fit in your life well – there will always be days when you wish we had never met. Just don’t forget the days when you laid in bed and thanked whatever god you believe in that I walked into your life, even though am I now walking out.
I gave more thought to what Sharon had said to me. I had a whole day that no longer exists, but it gave me time to think. She’s right, my anxiety is trapping me. Already I avoid highways, certain areas of the mall, certain diners to avoid certain people, etc. I don’t see it as too much work – I never went there to begin with mostly, so to avoid that person I will just never go there again.
It’s that limiting of myself that is drawing me inward. I’ve barely left the house the past few months, my excuse was I had no money to go out. Sure, it was a valid truth, but I didn’t mention my fear of going out, my fear of meeting new people, ad the underlying fear that someone else is going to get close and hurt me. I can’t do that again – so I must shut you out.
I thought about more things, and I’ve discovered that after all this time of wishing I couldn’t feel anymore so I’d stop hurting inside – I seem to have stopped feeling. I’m still crazy emotional, but I can’t remember what it feels like to hold someone’s hand, to be hugged, to be kissed on my lips or anywhere else. When people come within a close proximity of me I cringe, and I can’t even imagine reaching out and touching them. I can’t imagine anyone ever touching me again.
Moving on, Friday was as usual. The drive to Plymouth Meeting seemed as mundane as ever. It’s gotten boring, lost its magic, etc. It’s old and tired, and I’m tired. Natalie cracked my back and pelvis and then used the drill-like tool to make adjustments. I opted out of the muscle stims, I really didn’t want to lay there. It’s not very comfortable. I had a plan for the day, I always do. My plans really only included the chiropractor though. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to just sit there and sulk in my misery. But I don’t have anywhere else to go, I don’t have anywhere to hide or anywhere that makes me feel happy or better.
I’ve noticed nothing makes me happy anymore. I’ve seen all the small wonders of the world and now it’s not worth living. Driving aimlessly down the same roads I used to drive all the time no longer have the excitement they once had. Going to the mall and looking at all the beautiful things, whether I couldn’t afford them or not, no longer amazes me. I’m tired of the same old food, the same boring types of movies, the lack of other activities, and I’m tired of being alone. So of course, alone I will stay.
I decided to try lots of things. After the chiropractor I went to the park. On the way I passed a little thrift shop on route 3 and they were actually open for a change so I stopped in. I left with a hippie style shirt and sequin bag. I walked in the park for an hour or so. I wasn’t attacked by bugs, I communed with nature, I got my body in motion. Afterwards I limped around because my body was not used to so much motion.
I then went to G-run. I wandered around, looked at earrings in Spencer’s and Hot Topic. They don’t have anything worth buying for a 12 gauge and I don’t really want to go any higher. I got a smoothie, and then I was out of there. I then had to go back to Delaware to the Regal because some dumbass didn’t type in my card number correctly, thus I was not credited for the movie. The cards they give out are cheap and mine doesn’t swipe anymore so they have to type it in. I feel bad, but I have to type in card numbers at work to and you don’t see me crying about it.
On the way I stopped at the Goodwill on route 202. I left there with 2 more shirts and a pair of shoes. My day continued by heading north, back towards home. I went to Sally’s to get more hair dye because when I dyed my hair the other day the copper dye I bought dyed my hair burgundy. Not Good. So now I will end up over-processing my hair trying to get it to look right, thus really damaging it, thus having to get it al cut off again. And then I will cry. Again.
CVS Pharmacy was my next stop. I had a medication to pick up. I browsed around for a while, and then headed home. I unloaded all my crap and got something to eat. I proceeded with my hair. That involved a color remover (a lightening powder) and then hair dye (feria) and BAM my hair looks right again. The ends are getting really screwed though. I may need to cut my hair some. The warm water beating on me in the shower made me feel real nice.
All even I have been feeling nauseous. My heart is pounding so hard that if I put my hand on my chest I can actually feel it. Through the stethoscope I can hear it beating so fast and a bit irregular. I usually can’t hear it at all. This is the first sign of a panic attack. Next I’ll start to have trouble breathing. Then I might start to feel dizzy. Then the nauseous feeling will get stronger . . . and then I’m very likely to pass out. I really don’t want to go through that again – but its coming. |
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| It’s Just Time |
[Sep. 3rd, 2009|09:00 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | tired | ] |
2 for 1
BALLS!!!
Hot Rod
Somebody forgot to remove the bag
I almost bought this purse. It’s $60. But the handle was to short and it didn’t fit on my shoulder comfortably.
TINY GRAPES!
This is what my tuition money is paying for
My shoes in the lounge
My new 4th of July holiday hat. Please excuse my face, I was having a bad day.
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| Just Another Knight of the Round Table |
[Sep. 2nd, 2009|01:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | drained | ] |
Monday wasn't quite what I expected. I sure didn't get up at 10am. Instead I hit snooze a million times and rolled out of bed around noon. I even asked my dad to help me get up and every time he called me I grunted and rolled over. I had a plan to run out and get gas (my tank was almost empty) and then run to Sally's for hair dye (because I forgot to get it a couple days ago - closing at work will making shopping harder). Then I was going to spend the day dying my hair, working on Sue's website, rinse hair and shower, make doctors appointments while the hair dries, and then blow dry if it's still wet after 15 minutes, and then apply some form of hair extensions.
Instead, I woke up at noon, went to get gas, had to go inside to get my receipt again because god forbid the Arabs put paper in their machines. On the way home from there I stopped at Sally's to realize I left my coupon home. So it was back in the car and I went home and got the coupon. Luckily I live 5 seconds from the Sally's in E-Rock. I bought a lighter shade of dye hoping to get a more copper shade in place of the redder shades I've been getting. FINALLY I'm able to apply the dye, and then realized I haven't eaten yet.
SOOOOOO I make a burrito. It's been quite a while since I've made my own burrito, in the event to try and lose weight, and I mucked up. I cooked the shell too long, I didn't cook the refried beans long enough, too much salsa ended up in their, and due to the over cooking of the shell it kind of fell apart halfway through eating it. Afterwards I cleaned myself up and started in on the hair dying process. I almost didn't have enough developer. One of my bottles still has dye stuck in the nozzle. And I don't have any gloves. I never have gloves anymore. Enter the industrial strength orange scrubber soap.
I did get a chance to work on Sue's site. I think, besides the fact it has no graphics, it's ready to launch. FINALLY. I even worked on my company site and I think it's shaping together awesomely. Thirty minutes later it was time to rinse. I hate showers. For anyone that doesn't know - I hate showers - it's tooooo much like work. Plus, you have to rinse and rinse and rinse and still the water doesn't run clear. I know you're not suppose to use shampoo when you first dye, but sometimes I do anyhow. Not today, but sometimes.
It's not until the drying part that you really get to see how horrible hair dye really is. Usually the first day after dying - the color is darker then I expect. Two to three days/washes later it starts to look like what I want, and a week later it's faded. Red dye is lame. In this case, my hair literally looks brown with reddish highlights. HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!!! I can see if it's redder then I wanted, but browner? Gay. It kind of matches on of my extension sets now though, but I think I'm going to wash the crap out of my hair the next couple of days.
So now my hair is dry, I'm still in my underwear, I think it's time to get dressed. I hate this part too. I never know what to wear, I have sooooooo many articles of clothing, and I usually just wear the same few things out of frustration. I don't have anywhere to get dressed up for, most of my clothes still don't fit, and it's getting to be that time of year that before you know it the weather is going to change like a whip. So what do I wear? Jeans, tee shirt, thin hoodie, sneakers. The usual. I wore my Rohm & Haas shirt (that company no longer exists) and my navy hoodie to match. I technically have 1 pair of jeans that fit, 2 pairs that are snug, 5 that I can't get past my thighs, and 5 pairs of dickies that are snug until broken in. This is frustrating.
So it came time to throw in the hair extensions, the burgundy clip set, and then I curled it so it would all blend in. Now I look pretty, I'm dressed, I'm fed, my websites are pretty - I think it's time to go to school. School starts today. I'm still not sure what I need and what not, I actually forgot my Zune (time spent in the lounge goes by quicker when listening to music) and it made me sad. I almost forgot my flash drive, but it didn't matter since the computer I was at wouldn't accept it. Side note - I'm in the mutha muckn' Mac lab AGAIN! I hate the Mac lab. Mac's are GAY!!!!!!!!! But what is a girl to do?
I don't think I paid attention to anything the teacher said. He was 15-20 minutes late, and he didn't know the combination for the door lock, and then he couldn't get the projector working. He talked the wwwwwwhhhhhhoooolllllleeeee time. Being in front of a computer for me is bad because I checked facebook and myspace and my e-mail and my 30boxes, and my websites and this and that and I tuned him out after a while. I typed up this blog entry. I did a couple sudoku puzzles. We took a break and he got the projector working. By then it was 8:30pm and I was sooooooo ready to go back to sleep.
Nine thirty rolled around and we finally called it a night. So many people are at the college Monday night I had to park very far away. Last Spring when I had a class, every night that I walked back to my car I'd almost have an asthma attack. I don't have asthma, but for some reason walking that far in the cold night made my lungs and my throat close up leading to a potential collapse. Before leaving the building I feared that long walk to my car, and I assumed the worse of what could happen to me. I have an inhaler, not that it helps too much. My chest area was hurting mad crazy before I even entered the building at 5:30 this evening. I may have to look into getting a temporary handicap parking tag.
I SURVIVED THE WALK TO MY CAR! In case anyone was wondering. I walked slowly, and even though it was FREEZING cold I managed to stay afloat. However, I had slept in pretty late today, so going to sleep was going to be interesting.
Tuesday I did not want to get up. The alarm kept going off, and I just laid there. It had to be 2am before I even fell asleep, and the sun came up too soon. I did get up around 9:30am, made coffee and ate a peach, threw on clothes and VAMOS!
Upon arriving to work I was informed that there were more shortages and I was to only ring up on the ship center register and Marianne was to ring up on the main register. Gerald told me later that last week they had a lot of shortages at a lot of registers, its just a back to school thing and the high volume of customers must be making the new employees frustrated or something. I didn't feel so bad that everyone was having a problem and it wasn't just me.
The morning was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo busy. We were having trouble doing jobs because we had so many people needing us all we could do was write up envelopes and tell them it'll be ready by tonight or tomorrow morning. Some people were not happy about that at all. Some people left and went to another Staples. I helped a guy design business cards. I shipped a lot of packages. I only did 2 jobs all day before it was time to leave. I also did a lot of helping customers in the self serve section. Defeats the purpose.
When it was time for me to go, Gerald came over to count my drawer. They use a weighing device like casino's use in stead of actually counting the money. They apparently count it by hand in the morning before putting money in the registers, but to just close a register out, they weight the money. Due to weighing the money - my drawer was $15 short. WHAT THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD!
So I left, disgruntled, got my dinner at Wendy's, and headed to DCCC. I still had over an hour to kill before my class, I chilled in the lounge. I listened to my hippie music and checked my e-mail on my phone. I texted my mom to let her know about the issue at work and she told me to give them notice and then take another job. Samantha does not run from a problem, instead I do everything possible to rectify the issue. Meaning, I'm going to start duplicating every receipt for every sale I make, sort them by cash or credit card, count them at the end of my shift - and ask if I can count the drawer by hand. At Habitat (god rest that place's poor soul) when I closed out the register after my shift I was ON THE MONEY TO THE PENNY even and reconciled and whatever other word you want to use. There is no reason why I should be having any trouble here at Staples.
Around 6:30pm class began. I checked my e-mail again, my myspace, my facebook, my websites, and other sites. The teacher starting talking about networking and explained that computers on a network are kind of like knights of the round table - no computer is any more important then any other - they are all just dudes in a circle - all connected. Of course I get bored just listening, I learn better by doing, so I worked on my website. Upside - we're in a computer lab that has Windows computers (Dell). Downside - the keyboard is LOUD! I have to type slower and try to hit the keys lighter to avoid making enough noise to overpower the teachers voice and echo around this small room.
The computers here don't have Photoshop or anything on them so I couldn't work on my site, but I did some planning instead, I'll work on it at home tomorrow. I did what I could in MS Paint. Before I knew it the teacher was letting everyone leave early. I left the room wondering what it is exactly that I’m paying for, because having teachers show up late and be unprepared and let us leaver early isn’t really my idea of getting my money’s worth. Sure, I like to leave early, sure 3 hours of mostly lecture makes me want to hang myself – BUT I’m paying for 3 hours and I’d like to get what I paid for. I’m not paying for a passing grade, the grade is what I am to earn – the teacher’s time and knowledge is what I’m paying for.
The drive home was . . . . . . . . . . When cross route 1 the left lane always turns left and heads for 476. But no – this one car had to ride out the land and cut in front of me, and then tap the breaks every 10 seconds for no reason and drive much, much slower then the speed limit. I had follow this person all the way to Baltimore Pike, where I then ran a red light just to get away from that situation. Not even half a mile down the road, another car turned right in front of me when I was practically on top of them, and they drove very slow AAALLLL TTTHEEE WWWAAAYYYY PPPPAAASSSSSSSEEEEDDDDDDD Strath Haven school and AAAALLLLL TTTHHHHEEE WWWWAAAAYYYY DDDDDDDOOOOOOOWWWWWNNNNN to Chester Rd.
The fun doesn’t stop there, after getting onto Fairview Rd some assbag speeds out of Connelly’s and cuts in front of me as I’m approaching the light at Jefferson, and because of them I miss the light. Then I’m stuck following them the rest of the way down Fairview, they came to a complete stop on the train tracks, and when I finally did get home – another assbag was in my parking spot. Once I got in the house I sat down with a big piece of ice cream cake and watched TV till I was too tired to keep my eyes open. |
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| In the Court of Science |
[Aug. 30th, 2009|08:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | worn out | ] |
Thursday was my first day off after working for 5 days straight. I’m so not used to working more then 3 days in a row, I’m more used to having several days off to sleep in and rest up for the next couple days. Today was great, I slept till 11:30am, and then my father and I went to DCCC to get my school books. DPR 105 requires one book, however my section/teacher and one other section/teacher require 2 books. That’s not right – what am I learning that no ne else will be learning?
My father was also nice enough to drive up to Public Storage so I could pay my bill. I usually pay it the last Friday of the month, sometimes the first Friday, usually around 1pm on my way home from the Chiropractor. But, since I’ve had issues with an employee (now ex-employee) I don’t feel comfortable going to that location anymore. And even though that employee doesn’t work their anymore, he’s probably not banned from the premises, and I’m sure he’s angry, so nothing is stopping him from “just so happening to be at the location at the same time I am” to give me a hard time.
Then we went to the mall and had Chik-fil-a for lunch. We had coupons, it was time we used them. Afterwards we walked around for a bit to walk off lunch, and then went home. We don’t do a lot talking, it can be awkward to just sit there silently.
The rest of the day was horrible. Everyone is still bitching at me that I won’t cut my brothers hair, I’m still bitching that the reason I won’t is because everyone is bitching at me – hence they continue to bitch. It’s like a stalemate I would like to move away from. SO – I just cut his hair and looked him right in the eye and said “I don’t care if I owe you money, I don’t care if it’s a contract thing that I have to cut your hair – the next time you yell at me for sitting at the end of the couch that we both like or you complain about my cooking or you yell and bitch at me about ANYTHING – I will never cut your hair again – EVER – even if I am under contract. You do not own me, you do not have the right to bitch at me, and I will not sit idly by and allow you to abuse me this way. You may not understand where I’m coming from – but this is final.”
Then my mom bitched about the computer, she bitched that her car needed gas, she bitched that she had a bad day at work, she bitched that she needed to mail something but it’s a flat rate box and the guy keeps over charging her . . . and I just wanted some Angel Food Cake – but dad ate it all.
I also discovered shopgoodwill.com and tried to buy a lot of things I can’t afford, but lost Dr. Marten boots that were IN MY SIZE to someone for a ONE DOLLAR DIFFERNCE! If only I had bid ONE MORE DOLLAR!!! However, I made another mistake and tried to get a dress, but the other persons maximum bid was almost $300. So I thought – hey I’ll jack up the price because I’m an asshole and I want that dress and because they are an asshole I may not get it. Well, then I got really angry . . . every $10 increment I bid I was still outbid by this person, and I got so angry that I did finally outbid them . . . for $310.
Before going to sleep I went online to check to see if my work schedule was up, and to my amazement the entire month of September was already done. This is nice since now I know when I work, but bad since there are 3 days I have a problem with. One is on a Friday, which I made very clear I could not work on. Another, is s Tuesday, to which I can only work till 4pm since I have school, and another day is one that I need to take off and was going to let her know when I see her Saturday, but I’m already scheduled – so WTF! And except for one week out of the month that I have 3 shifts a week – the rest I only have 2, and now that I have “problems” with those days I’ll only have one. WTF!
Friday was the usual drive to Plymouth Meeting, followed by the drive back to Media, followed by the drive to Chester. I had to stop off at JCPenny to complain about a purchase I made. I had Burger King for lunch. It rained the remainder of the evening.
Saturday I had work, and lucky me, I was told the second I walked in the door that I was being accused of stealing from the register. Of course they have no proof it was me, only the fact that it was the ship center register and that only Cassidy and I logged in to that register to ring someone up, and between us I was only one to gave a cash sale. So sure, why would they not assume it was me? However, do they really think I’d steal $50 out of the register? Do I look that dumb?
Dina went on later to explain that it’s not so much that I’m being accused, in fact she doesn’t think anyone would take the money, nor can she think of how else it’s getting out of the register. What will happen is in the event it happens enough times I’ll just be isolated to one register and no one else can use that register but me. This can be a good thing seeing as how the drawer will never be short if I’m the only one on it – but it’ll be bad and inconvenient to customers if they need something rung up and I can’t do it, or if someone else starts working on a shipment but I have to stop what I’m doing and ring the person up because no one else can.
I closed the copy center by myself, and I think I did a spanking good job. I don’t like closing, and we’ve talked about this before, but I guess every now and then it isn’t so bad. I just had such a hard time falling asleep that night, though.
Sunday was work again. Ashley was quite impressed at how clean and vacuumed everything was. It was al fun and good until this one guy came in needing a HUGE order taken care of. He needed so many copies of one page on a certain color paper, and then so many copies of another page on another color paper. He needed cardstock paper for covers for booklets in color, blah blah blah. Large jobs like this are fun, but they get to you after a while, like when you end up having to hand staple something and the stapler gives you trouble.
Closing again wasn’t so bad. I watched a lot of TV when I got home. It took me till 2am to fall asleep. Needless to say I was not going to be getting up as early as I’d like to. |
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| 300 dpi |
[Aug. 26th, 2009|04:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | tired | ] |
Friday I didn’t sleep in late. As I do every Friday it was up to Plymouth Meeting. I didn’t really have anything else planned but Therapy at 2pm. I almost didn’t get up. My alarm was being gay and it felt so good to be laying down. When I got up and heading for the blue route, it was moving very slowly. It was one of those mysterious things when it looks jammed, but when you get to where you assumed the jam should be MAGICALLY nothing is there and all the cars are driving normally. There wasn’t even an exit or entrance ramp – it was just magic.
I waited half an hour at the chiropractor’s office before it was my turn. Every few Fridays I have this problem. My appointment will beta 12pm and I’ll be sitting around reading magazines until 12:30, and then she’ll do a quite crack-ity crack and I’ll be on my way. I guess the wait isn’t such a bad thing, I have nothing better to do. On my way to Chester I stopped at the Burger King for Lunch. I hadn’t even eaten yet and I’m surprised I made it this long.
At therapy, Linda could not believe my story about how I’m treated at home. I mean, she believed me, she just thought it as ridiculous as I did. She didn’t really give me anyway to get around the situation, she just said she wasn’t sure why I keep trying to get through to them when it obviously isn’t working. I think when a therapist decided its time to give up – that’s a really hopeless situation.
Saturday, a 6 hour shift, I really got down to copy center business. I did another binding job as well as more copying and faxing. Sunday was the same ordeal. Gerald popped by the copy center and I mentioned to him I still had a couple tests to take. He scheduled me for Monday so I’d get another shift and get those certification tests done by their due dates.
On Monday, I had the same test problem where it wouldn’t let me take the tests. I spent the whole day in to copy center. Then Cassidy, one of my co-workers, got a call from her step dad that her mom was having a baby THAT DAY. Fyi – Cassidy’s mom is only 39, she had Cass young, and then Cass also has a 13 year old brother. So it’s not like a 60 year old woman is having a baby. Needless to say, Cass wanted to go see her mom, but her mom lives in Maryland so Cass would need to get her shifts covered. Of course I covered 2 of her shifts, Tuesday and Wednesday, so she could be with her mom.
A little side note about that guy I was suppose to be helping to sell items from his storage unit . . . who spent a majority of our interactions hitting on me after I asked him several times not to . . . He got fired from Public Storage for Sexual Harassment AND doing persona l business on company time. I didn’t really care if he got fired, but he did it to himself. I was more hoping that they’d let me move my belongings to another location since Newtown Square is a bit far from me now that I’m not working at the mall anymore I don’t seem to ever be in that area anymore. O Well.
Tuesday we seemed to have less jobs. I spent a lot of time trying to explain to old people how to use the Self Serve section. I spent a lot of time trying to finish a ridiculous job – print and cut business cards, then laminate and then trim down – and Marianne seem to enjoy yelling at me when she wasn’t saying “I did tell you to do it a certain way” as if her way would have been any faster. Whether I hand trim them with the hand trimmer or with a pair a scissors, it’s still going to take forever and still won’t be perfect. BUT IT’S DONE NOW.
Wednesday I started the day out by myself. Marianne had an appointment and wasn’t able to get in till around 10am. It wasn’t overly busy in the morning so I did very well on my own for the first 2 hours. I checked the e-mail and I got into the web submissions and did a job all on my own before Marianne even came in. It was a bit slow all day. The highlights of the day were that the ship center for UPS we have on the computers was down all day and the smaller laminator got jammed and I had to take it apart to get this 17” long sheet out of the rollers.
It was also Day 2 of trying to figure out why this one guy’s prints were printing out fine when they were at a smaller size but after setting them to print as 18” x 24” they would come out black and white – a grainy black and white. After a few hours of tinkering and him going home to resave the pictures in JPG format instead of PDF we finally found that the JPG format with a RGB setting instead of a CYM setting printed better when the printer was set to “Better Graphics” instead of “Normal Graphics.” This guy is also a mystery novelist and gave us both free copies of his new novel, “Along Came a Fifer.” I’m not a big reader, but I’m hoping to find time to get through some of it – just to see how it is. |
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| I Wouldn't Change One Second Of Our Life Together |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|06:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | morose | ] |
Sunday we had that BBQ. My mom is doing this whole “Herbalife” thing, and some of her “company-type-friends” were having a BBQ. Now, what she didn’t tell me was the BBQ was a birthday party for a small child, where about 30 other small children was also be. I was also no tin formed that it was all outside in the direct sunlight on a 93 degree day. And had a realized that it wasn’t a Herbalife party and instead a weird food party where they don’t believe in soda but they believe in Heineken – I might have just stayed home.
Monday and Tuesday I worked short little 5 hours shifts, just something to pad my paycheck so it’s more then $20 at a time. Monday I did a lot of copy center stuff. Monday I felt very confident about one of the jobs we had to do and I was hoping to be able to take the lead on it, since I am kind of an expert on graphics and scanning and cropping just right and what not. BUT NO! Marianne, god bless her, figured that because she’s been there for ever and I’m new that she knew more then me and tried to over power the situation. I understand, I am new, but when you save a picture/graphic as a PDF and then print it out as a poster – you have to expect the image quality to suck.
However, in her defense, even though I did think saving the picture as a PDF was dumb, I didn’t think the first copy printed would look as bad as it did. BUT I also rescanned it – TWICE – until it looked perfect on the screen, and it ended up about 98% perfect once printed out. It reminded me of that day I worked with Maggie and she couldn’t get the brochure to print right, and I swooped in to save the day.
And now that I’m done trying to make myself feel more important then I really am, let’s move on to Tuesday, where I spent 5 HOURS in the back office doing those training tests. FIVE HOURS! Thank god I’d had my coffee. It might not have taken me so long, or maybe I would have finished all the tests, had the system not been on the fritz. For starters, the CD wouldn’t connect to their system and bring up the tests.
Once Gerald found the tests online, I was able to get through them and get to the Certification pages. Well, some of the tests failed me when I’m 99% sure all my answers were correct. I even went back through the training another time or 2 to make sure what I thought was the right answer was really the right answer. Then, when I was sure I was sure, I’m click off the correct bullets for 4 of the questions and then try to move on to the next page of questions, and I kept getting an error message that I needed to answer all the questions before I could proceed. BUT I DID ANSWER ALL OF THEM!
So maybe an hour out of the whole day I spent sitting around, or waiting patiently as Gerald searched the system for these tests, but more or less I spent 5 hours on the computer learning. My eyes hurt. Then I had to go outside into the heat, and go home where it’s hotter, and then cook something because I was hungry. Life sucks. BUT instead my dad was l about going to the Acme, and stopping at Wendy’s first for lunch – so I got a nice meal, and we did the shopping, and dinner was delicious.
Wednesday I slept in, and it felt good. Waking up at 8am, let alone 2 days in a row, is just ridiculous. I didn’t really want to sleep in as late as I did, but I like to think of it as “If I kept sleeping, then I must have needed it.” The downside is now I’ll have trouble falling asleep tonight. So I got up and eat a burrito, cut down a chunk of lamb and freezer paper packaged it. By then I was so hot from standing in that kitchen I went back to my room where it was still cool even though I had turned off my air conditioner hours earlier.
I had a big fight with my mom yesterday. It’s to be expected, she’s a bitch. My brother is an asshole also, and my dad has found a way to stay out of things. Somehow, though, I always end up being the one that everyone is yelling at. Today I decided to avoid it all and go to a movie. I went to see “The Time Travelers Wife” and cried my eyes out. I then took the long way home. It didn’t matter, I still had to go home. I was still alone. My day off was over.
Thursday it was back to work, another long shift, a 7 hour shift. Well, technically 6.5 after a half hour lunch break. Dina was the manager on duty today, and she doesn’t seem to be as “on board” with getting those certifications done that I need to finish, and I didn’t say anything. I wanted to be in the copy center, and what a wild day it was. Today we had soooo many people come in that needed stuff done. I was told to turn people towards the self-service area since apparently doing jobs under $25 pulls down our numbers.
Marianne got tied up helping a customer who wanted business cards and needed help designing them. That left me to tend to the other 20 customers that came in at one time that needed helps with things I wasn’t sure how to help them with. Marianne made it very clear I was no tot do any jobs that weren’t huge on the machines in our area, so I spent a lot of time out in the self serve area helping people get cards from the kiosk and set up the copier to copy how they needed.
Then the register went down. After re-booting it the keyboard wouldn’t work. The ship center computer was up so we had that register opened for business, except having the ship center open you can’t use the scanner to scan items. So I found myself going to the other register, using the price check option to get the sku number, and then running back to the other register to manually type it in to ring people out.
It finally slowed down, and this lady came in with a big print order. It ended up being 229 pages. She needed a huge binder copied 5 times and 3-hole punched and put into 5 other binders, as well as have the dividers she bought put in. Well, first I had to manually 3-hole punch the dividers because for some reason they were not sold with the holes in them already. Then, section by section I had to hand-feed the pages into the copier, and then hand place the copies into the subsequent binders. Cassie had come in by then and she was helping me, so we surprisingly got the job done in half an hour. I was feeling very accomplished.
When I got home and took my shoes off, I could feel how bad it was to be standing all day for 7 hours. Once I sat down for dinner I didn’t get up again for about 4 hours. Despite waking up sort of early and working hard all day, I still was not tired enough to go to sleep before midnight. I laid in bed feeling my body throb from a day of work, I thought about things I had to do tomorrow, and then finally I drifted off. |
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